Everyday Life · Real-ationships

Are we on the same team?

So often in our marriage when I do or say something that hurts Aaron, I always want to defend or justify it by saying to him that it should hurt less because he should know that I am first and foremost on his team.

That is true, I am his number one supporter, his best teammate, the one who will always have his back, and he knows this. Why then, do I find myself having to remind him of that so often? Why do I feel the need to justify bad and hurtful behaviour or words by saying that I am on his team and that my intention is not to hurt him?
I have been troubled by these questions the last couple of days. Do I perhaps in the back of my mind think that my good intentions justify my bad behaviour?

My sister once told me that a person can say anything, it is all about how you say it. Now that I am older (and a bit wiser) I would like to add “if it comes from a place of love” to that phrase. Meaning, that if I have an opinion about a topic or area of your life, and I have a clear conscious that it comes from a place of love for you, your relationships, our relationship and your future, then the message is always welcome and I just have to work on the delivery.

“A person can say anything, if it comes from a place of love, it is all about how you say it.”

The “comes from a place of love” is absolutely the most important part of that statement. Back to the example of my hurtful words towards Aaron; my message might be pure and come from a place of absolute love and support for my husband, but my delivery and execution is so often way off.

My father always used to say to me, you have two ears and one mouth, listen before you speak. This listening serves two purposes; 1) you get an understanding of the other person’s position, opinion, feeling and circumstances, and 2) it gives you the opportunity to think about your delivery before you open your mouth.

“But I tell you that men will give an account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” Matthew 12 :36 – 37

How often don’t we find ourselves regretting what we have said, that moment when you see the hurt in someone you love’s eyes? Or how often don’t we give the warning, the wise council or the loving guidance, just because we do not know how it will be received? My student pastor said, “remember, an offence is always taken, and never given”. As people we have full control over how we deliver a message, we cannot control how it is received.

I hope to not put myself in that situation again where I have to try and soothe the hurt by confirming that I am on Aaron’s (or any of my friends or family) team. My prayer is that God will search my heart, find pure intentions and that the Holy Spirit will be my guide of delivery in every conversation and in every situation I find myself in the position to give guidance or warning in someone’s life.

Please use the comments below to share your tips and experiences on how to check our delivery. This is a place to learn from each other’s life experiences and in that way grow together.

“A man has joy in an apt answer, And how delightful is a timely word!”
Proverbs 15:23

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4 thoughts on “Are we on the same team?

  1. I think our words have so much power. Using them wisely to communicate within a marriage is a great skill to have. However, many times we say things that we regret and need to forgive. Showing and letting your spouse know that you are both on the same team is something we need to do.
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  2. My husband and I always talk about this aspect of our marriage. When things become difficult in our marriage we close off others and just work on our relationship to become a team again.

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    1. That is great Elyse! We have found that it is so important to implement practical plans to address issues and not just let it slide. We have recently studied a book, Marriage Make-Over by John and Lisa Bevere together, it was a 5-day reading series, and it did us so well!

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